I knew this day was coming. I wasn't sure when, and I could never be fully prepared, but at least it wasn't completely unexpected. My mother died last week, her homecare worker found her in the morning on Wednesday, June 17th 2009.

I didn't find out until 3:30pm when a police officer tracked me down and told me at work. I had been removed from any and all Next of Kin and Emergency contact lists. My uncle Ron was notified and he informed them that I should be notified as her daughter, and it took them all day to find me. It was really harsh finding out from the cops, at work. My boss immediately drove me home and they covered my shifts for the rest of the week.

I have been pissed, frustrated, relieved, angry, sad, insulted, anguished and numb. I'm SO mad that it ended this way. I always carried a glimmer of hope that we'd at least be on speaking terms before she passed away. I wondered how horrible I'd feel when I found out, and I was very hurt and cried openly. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I carried enough of her in my heart to be upset that she died. I hope that she passed without pain and suffering. I wonder if she was aware, and if she felt any remorse for the way things ended.

I'm pissed that she was a stubborn fucking mule to the end and caused so much frustration for everyone to get the info to me. It's not fair that I'm not completely distraught. I feel that she stole the anguish of losing a mother from me. I feel that I should be completely undone, that the person who should matter the absolute most in my life dying should destroy me, but it I'm not and it doesn't.

I'm saddened to hear my daughter say she doesn't have any good memories of her grandmother. None. How unfair. How NOT right.

The one thing that I DO NOT feel, is guilt. I am not guilty for her life or her death. She lived the way she did, and she died due to her own imposed actions. I am not responsible for the way things were, and I tried so damn hard.

I'm upset that I never saw her one more time. Part of me remains ever skeptical that it is actually true. That this is real. That her body is literally in ashes in a box on my shelf. That I'm going to wake up and find a way to 'fix' things. That can never happen now.

Dad and I are now going through the process of cleaning her apartment and dividing her possessions. It took us an hour to find her wedding ring. It took me three hours to go through all of the paperwork on her table and desk. Most of it was unopened mail, and it ranged over the last five years. I got as much of the important papers I could and have a long list of people that need to be called. We also found drafts of a Last Will and Testament and a Power of Attorney form. I think she knew.

Since she was on ODSP (Disability), they covered the costs of her cremation and will cover her interment. Thank goodness for that, because there's NO WAY I could have covered $1700 for the cremation so suddenly. It's absolutely incredible that you have to cover those kinds of costs when you're dealing with something like this. That was the cheapest option available other than medical donation, which was still over $800.

Dad thinks we'll get the money in her bank account and any income tax returns/GST coming back. Unfortunately ODSP is her executor and they take back anything she had/has to cover their costs. It was originally government monies issued to her for her to live on, it goes back into their coffers. It makes sense to me, and I could really care less. Dad is going to freak out.

We have until Tuesday to clean out her apartment, and I'm back to work. I am not feeling it, and am trying to cover my shifts over the weekend. I haven't had any luck and I'm really just not... doing well all of a sudden. Every time I think I'm okay, I burst into tears. Every time I feel like I'm composed and done with the anger, it slaps me. I've walked through every room in her apartment and gone through her stuff, packed up her dishes and cleared out the curio cabinet with next to no reaction. It's when I sit and think about how shitty this whole situation is that rips me to shreds. I realize it will take time, but it's the pendulum from one moment to the other that is hard to deal with. I couldn't even go back yesterday with Dad. I had to take a break. Today he's busy and I'm supposed to be clearing out stuff in MY house so I can make room for some of her's. I feel like my limbs and heart are attached to cement blocks.

I'm totally worn out. I had so many plans and even though I went through with them and had fun, it was really hard. In the space of ONE week, it was my mother's death, my mother-in-law's birthday, our dating anniversary (17 years!), my mother-in-law's wedding anniversary, Theory of a Deadman, Riverdance and our wedding anniversary (8 years!), and cleaning out the apartment at the same time. I'm SO exhausted. Bleh. The kids are at school for the very last day of the year, and Punkin is NOT happy with me when I told her we were going to get up at 8am every day just like normal, and get out of the house. LOL! Hopefully getting new bikes for passing will boost her spirits. Heh.

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