Holy Shit, you guys.

I actually went out and did my grocery shopping, in the morning, BY MYSELF!!

What the?! Who am I?

The more I'm at home, the less I want to venture out. I find excuses to do it 'another time', or I find a way to have someone go with me. Usually my daughter goes with me, and that means we don't go to buy food until after she's gotten home from school and therefore we don't eat until 7/8 or even 9pm. Not ideal.

We went last night to grab something quick, and she asked if we could get the ingredients to make these: http://www.recipegirl.com/2012/05/07/monster-cookies/

I told her it would be too late to make them (and if we got the ingredients she'd want to make them RIGHT NOW!), so I would go to the grocery store in the morning, get everything we needed and then we would be able to make them as soon as she got home from school. And, I did.

I also got the makings for beef stew that I'm going to start shortly so we can EAT at a decent time, plus I got a bunch of heavy and/or bulky items that we needed so I could get it all in one trip and pay once for a cab. I want to get cedar shavings for the garden but I think I'll wait until I've gotten it more prepared for the shavings, and I'll make a dedicated trip strictly for that.

I know this doesn't seem like such a big deal to a lot of people, but honestly this is kind of a big deal to me in regards to my anxiety plus with everything that is going on around here, I usually tend to turtle/withdraw and just give up on doing the stuff that needs to get done on a daily basis. Then we end up eating crap (takeout) or not eating at all, that sort of thing. So, hopefully I can continue to push through and do what needs to be done and reap the rewards of pride and accomplishment accordingly!

I've been rolling this around in my head for a while. I have dealt with feelings of Guilt my entire life. It has affected me in so many ways that I really never connected until recently.

My mother was the Queen of Guilt-mongering. She could make you feel guilty for something you didn't even do. She could make you feel guilty for something that you were going to do, even if she wouldn't have any knowledge that you were doing it.

If I mentioned that I had gone shopping in any remotely 'nearby' area to her house, she'd ask why I didn't stop by to visit. If I mentioned that I bought something for myself, she'd ask where hers was. If I said I wanted to do something, she'd ask how I was going to be able to afford/spend time on/get to it. She had built up this throne of self-pride that was so majestic that she refused help, diminished acts of kindness and would rather suffer than ask for something she needed. OR she'd make you feel bad enough you'd do it of your own accord, or give her something.

I found myself doing this a bit throughout my life. Rather than ask for something or wait to get it myself, I would say how much I liked it (HINT! HINT!) and hope the person got it for me. I would beat around the bush about needing something rather than asking outright if I could have or borrow it (or money to get it).

Shame, Anxiety, Guilt, Disappointment, Pride, and Fear all wrapped up in one neat little package. They are all connected, and can lead from one to the other faster than the blink of an eye.

At one point I got really frustrated with my mother for asking why I hadn't stopped by when I had gone to a mall 20mins away from her house. I snapped. I told her I didn't like when she did that to me. My pride in standing up for myself lasted a millisecond before she was expertly able to spin it around and make me feel bad for saying such a thing. She didn't MEAN anything by it! She was only KIDDING!

My mother has been gone for 3?4? years now (honestly... I find it kind of fascinating that I don't have the date memorized nor care to). I STILL have to shake this way of living. I STILL have to tell myself that it's okay to do/feel/say things that are truth. I am not responsible for people feeling a certain way due to my actions as long as my actions are not mean-spirited, demeaning or deliberately harmful. It's not my fault if someone is upset I didn't get something for them because I was at a store and they weren't with me at the time (DAUGHTER). I don't have to (nor do I have the right to) make someone feel bad for me because I don't have something that I want (and they do, or we are looking at it). I don't even have to allow MYSELF to feel bad because someone has something I like or would want to have! Jealousy will get me nowhere! Instead I will be happy for them for being able to have such a thing, and know that not everything is how it looks.

And there's the rub, right there. Life is not a Contest. There is no grand prize (unless you consider Death to be it, then... hoorah?). And no situation is ideal nor perfect for everyone. What looks awesome and amazing and causes deep-seated jealousy in me is probably fraught with just as much frustration, anxiety and problems in different categories and scenarios or levels as my life/family/surroundings.

I try to put myself in context and realize how good I do have it, and what is bad is something that needs perspective. Yeah, things are shitty for us. But they could be worse, and I need to be thankful for what I do have and remember to appreciate it.

We are in a sinkhole, debt-wise. Hubs played around with some numbers and we were able to pay off a couple of things that desperately needed to be paid. Turns out neither of us are getting an Income Tax Return this year, rather we both owed money. So that needed to be paid to the Government. We got caught up on a couple of other things as well. It was really nice to go out and buy stuff that we could use around the house. I am proud of myself for not just spending frivolously. Sure, we got some takeout (sigh), but we got organizational things to help with cleaning/clutter and new bakeware and shoes for Dooger. We have tickets to go see a movie for free, so we're going to see The Avengers this weekend. Other than that, it is a very laid-back weekend ahead which is what most Mothers want for Mother's Day, amiright? Heh.

It's very frustrating for me to see all of the ridiculous advertising for Mother's Day. My son was super-sweet and pointed out a card and asked me if I wanted it. I said No thank you but that I appreciated that he wanted to get it for me. He said he loved me and wanted to get it for me. My heart exploded into a billion little pieces. :) I try my best to focus on being the best Mother to my children that I can be, and have to avert my eyes and thoughts when the focus is directed towards dwelling on me and MY mother, because I give myself enough reminders of that unfortunate set of circumstances. I don't want to be reminded of her, I don't miss her and I don't want to emulate her.

Well I suppose I asked for too much yesterday when I requested to be MORE depressed. This morning I woke up with a pounding headache, which is never a good sign.

I don't assume that every headache I get is or is going to be a migraine, but most of the time it inches steadily close to the margin between Really Horrible Headache and Migraine territory. It felt like someone had jammed a knife into my skull above my left ear, and every once in a while was giving it a hefty twist. Sounds are amplified, lights hurt my eyes and my neck is so tight that just turning it makes it crackle and crunch (but it won't crack to relieve any of the tension). I took two aspirin right away, and it has retreated somewhat, so I know it's not a migraine (yet), but I'm still nauseous and completely lethargic.

Coupled with that I checked the insurance claims we had submitted, and they denied payment AGAIN, and are requesting all of the documentation AGAIN. I'm furious. They now HAVE all of the documentation we had, and they can't figure out which invoice goes with which claim? I wrote all of the reference numbers on the receipts and cross-referenced them. Fucking ridiculous. If I call or email them right now, I won't be able to be polite. That's how fucking mad I am. I feel like they (the Insurance company) will do anything to deny a claim. Whenever we've submitted anything with paper forms we've never had a problem, but now doing it online is just a fucking hassle. I'm ready to throw my hands up in defeat and say Fuck It, but that's what they want so I refuse. I just need to get my bearings under me.

I'm suddenly overwhelmed with everything that seems to be going wrong for us at the moment. I hate feeling like we're constantly digging our way out of something only to be buried under again. I don't hear squirrels in the attic/walls yet, but I think that might be because it's a raccoon up there instead. I bought a box of mothballs (Hubs' insistence that they will help), but I'm terrified to poke my head up into the sub-attic and toss them up there. Someone hold me? We also HAVE TO get the eavestrough and flashing replaced all the way around the house, as there are now several boards (and therefore several access points) loose around the edge of the roof. Cha-ching!

We have to get a plumber to fix/replace ALL of the plumbing under our sinks. He's been out to repair them, and they've gone right back to not working again. I would like to just have him completely replace it. Of course, that costs money (obviously).

We have carpenter ants in the kitchen floor. There's a trapdoor into the basement and I can see where they've dug through between the layers of floor; they're tossing wood dust onto the basement steps. They've come inside the house since we began to tear apart the back deck (they had infested the wood in the deck). We have half the deck still up, and a pile of wood beside the house which is BAD. We NEED TO get the rest of the deck down, and all of the wood off of the property. I'm totally skeeved out when I'm in the kitchen and they're marching across my counter. BLECH!! Fucking gross! Keeping all of my dishes done and garbage contained/removed has been a great deterrent for these stupid fuckers. They're so bold that every once in a while one will come marching across my dining room table/desk. DIE DIE DIE! Now if I'm not really paying attention to anything in particular and see something out of the corner of my eye, I spasm uncontrollably and snap around to look because I think it's an ant. I've got the heebie jeebies over these damn things.

My dad brought over a washing machine THREE YEARS AGO and it's still sitting by the front corner of the house. We've re-covered the damn thing with tarps that keep blowing away and it's sat out there through three winters. Someone has even managed to come up and cut off the cord/plug (probably for the copper wiring inside), so even if we managed to get it downstairs somehow (see: Deck Demolishing Process, above), it's not even guaranteed to work, and now there's no cord. I NEED him to take it back to the scrap yard before I get so sick of it sitting there I tape a big PLEASE TAKE ME AWAY sign to it. Someone has already gotten money for taking it to the scrap yard in the first place, so I'm reluctant to let someone else get money for it as well, but I hate seeing it there.

And bills. Ugh, do I even need to get started on this? Not really, everyone's in the same boat. Too many bills, not enough money. I'd love to just get completely caught up and not have to waste any anxiety or time worrying about them. That'll be the day.

I hope that if I force myself to just keep plugging away at the things that I can control (cleaning/clutter around the house) that it will keep me from going seriously insane. I am proud at the amount of stuff that I have gotten rid of around here. Hubs has been reading these books that used to be his Grandfather's. There are literally hundreds of them (Mack Bolan series books and offshoots). It's been 4 years or so and he's just crested the 100-book mark. There were THREE FULL BOXES of these stupid things. So I consolidated all of the books of the actual numbered series, and recycled ALL of the rest of them. There's no way in hell I'm going to wait another 5-6 years for him to get through them. There are many other more interesting/challenging books to read than these ones. I got my dad to take away the two old computer towers that were no longer working. He took them to the computer shop that he helps out at, and it's become a little project for them to see if they can get them up and running. If not, no loss because at least they're out of my house. If they get them working, bonus! I just need to get him to take an old monitor away and I can heave a sigh of relief on the spare-computer-parts-laying-around problem. I took my mother's old sewing kit; it's a big wooden fold-out jobby that sits on the floor and I have honestly never gone into it for anything in the last three years. It would seem like such a shame to get rid of, but I'm not using it so why do I have it? I'd like to try to sell it if I could.

Other than that, it's just keeping on top of the day to day stuff and paring down what we have in order to accommodate only what we need. I literally took everything out of the bathroom yesterday, and overflowed a laundry basket with stuff. A lot of it has been sitting on the shelves in there (and there aren't that many shelves!) since we moved in. I vow to reduce the amount of 'stuff' by half after I clean the bathroom and put stuff back. There is no need for us to have that much stuff. And since I have already folded and put away a load of laundry and done all of the dishes, I have already been productive today, so everything else is pure Bonus. Go me.

I wish I could physically grab hold of my Depression and choke the shit out of it so it would leave me alone. Bleh.